Gaslight Gazette, all the news that isn't

Vol. 1, #7 Falls City Feb. 21, 2023 Oregon

A Review of the San Andreas Faultline

Located in California, the San Andreas Fault is one of America’s most famous faultlines. Thus, the

Gaslight Gazette is happy to release our review of this scenic attraction. To that end, we’ve dispatched a pair of journalists to the faultline.

After spending several weeks on location, the journalists reported that “nothing has happened. How long do we have to sit out here in the wilderness?” They went on to describe the faultline as “indistinguishable from normal ground unless there’s an earthquake” and “lacking in any attractions,” as well as having “non-existent customer service.” Seismologists have also determined that the faultline is overdue to release massive seismic energy. Thus, in closing,

the Gaslight Gazette is giving the San Andreas Faultline 2 out of 5 stars, and does not recommend visiting it.

Look forward to more reviews of scenic locations in

future issues of the Gazette, such as the Equator, the Moon, and the Pacific Ocean.

- Buster Maruca


Spray Eagles are now the Spray Bottles

“Eagles are generic,” said a

student familiar with the name change. “We wanted to attack the Lyle Cougars in a new way. Don’t ask what we put in the bottles.”

- Dawson Teal

Newport High School Clams up about Mascot Change

When asked about the change from the Cubs to the Clams, a Newport High School spokesclam spit seawater and refused to open up.

- Mason Cushway

So Last Year Words

OMG! Last year we were so bussin! We were dabbin’ on those haters and we would yeet those pimps to the curb.

Last year caused a lot of emotional damage, but we were still so swag. Our eyebrows were on fleek, SLAY! We always kept it low-key freal. And that's mad crazy! So let's try and keep this year on the downlow.

- Jade Haag